Accessible Grieving

As I have been reading and watching the after effects of Whitney Houston’s death I can’t help but be sadden and just ashamed of the way people talk about a human being.  It isn’t just her death but so many who die from addiction or mental illness.

I can’t say I am a Whitney Houston fan… I knew very little about her.  I had no idea she had a daughter or that she had an album in the last decade… but again I don’t listen to the radio, read magazines or watch much of any TV… it doesn’t mean that I did not grieve for her death.  I have to say I am probably a little more sensitive to death and I grieve for anyone who has died… but mainly grieving for the people who lost someone they loved.

Whitney’s songs do bring up memories for me.  Her music came about while I was growing up… going to school dances, having crushes and a time where it felt like a song was written just for me.  I remember watching The Bodyguard and thought how strange it was for a white man and black woman to fall in love… how eye opening that was for me.  I was a freshman in high school maybe.. and came from a small Nebraska town so that wasn’t something I ever saw.  So to me it is more grieving of the memories than the actual person.

The way society focuses in on the ‘bad’ about a person who dies from addiction or mental illness is very disheartening to me.  When I was 9 years old my grandmother killed herself… living in a small town of about 6000 people the word travels fast.  My parents sent me to school the day after she died and because she committed suicide I was not consoled or even a hug from my teachers or friends… instead my teacher laughed at what my grandmother did and told me she was stupid, my friends told me she was going to hell.  I felt I could not grieve but had to put on an armor to protect her memory and myself.  Unfortunately, there is no armor strong enough to withstand negative comments about someone you loved who left way too soon.   To me my grandma was a good person who went to church on Sunday and loved me… and I loved her… so it was confusing and life changing to me that people would see her as anything different.

So when I see and hear all of these negative comments about anyone who has died, I grieve… I grieve for people who I have known who died from something society doesn’t think is ‘right’, I grieve for my grandmother, I remember the wonderful things about people whose demons were overpowering.  I remember their strengths, what they meant to me or to someone they loved.  I realize my own demons and the power I can have to shrink those demons and those times where the demons overpowered me.

As my grandmother was a great woman I believe Whitney was a great woman.  I think of her loved ones… I think of all who have lost someone from addiction or mental illness.  I hope for peace for myself and all who have been thru something similar.

I could not imagine what Whitney’s loved ones are feeling at this moment when every where you look is something negative about her.  I am thankful I only had to deal with a small town of people and it wasn’t plastered on the front page of every magazine and paper and all over the internet.. but to me that small town was all I knew so I guess it was the same for me… except I could move away and escape and it is everywhere for them… but does it really matter?  Why would anyone say something negative about someone who died?  where is the respect for human life?  all human life?  Everyone means something to someone so who are we to say anything different?  Who are we to judge another?… no one knows all the facts… or in someone else’s head… so how can we judge?

I guess a little empathy and compassion goes a long way.  Addiction and mental illness are not something to judge but something to help and to send a little compassion.  Everyone has demons… everyone has their issues… everyone deserves a bit of compassion and respect.

Thank you Whitney for paving the way for Women who want to be or who are artists.  You made a difference and you are FABULOUS!